so fast right? I enter ukm for almost 4months and the first semester is almost end. Exam will be started really soon on 3rd November. The bad news, I'm not really fully prepare for it. I hate myself when I started to lazy and relax when exam is near. Lack of self-discipline. But yet, I'm human also. Every human is lazy except he has something to push him, to motivate him. That's why, now I'm considering myself as resting and not relaxing or lazy. Ha. Bad girl huh?
Suddenly I feel that I'm getting old. Yes, older and lack of energy. I feel tired after 20years living in Malaysia. No more passion. I've lost my passion in whatever I do. Bad thing. Since Malaysia is always so terribly unfair, thus it makes me feel like there is no use, no need to strieve so hard for living because in Malaysia, they will not appreciate what you have done. Then what for i work so hard? To earn more money, have luxury life and pay more taxes for Malaysia to be spent on useless projects, unfair treatment etc etc? No way, then I rather have a moderate life.
Today I've read something about the BTN. Brief reading only. I realized that the 'brainwashing' talk in BTN is not helpful in unity of the nation. It's only making things worst. For malays, they may feel like they really sacrifice and thus the education system now is right and fair. For non-bumis, they may feel like they are 'pendatang' even more. They may feel like BTN is a strategy to remind them that they are actually really lucky and thus should not ask for more and should respect the malays for being so generous. OK, this is just my two cents. NO worth at all.
Never realize, I'm old. Compare to other people in the university. Yes I'm. I'm a product of failure of the education system of Malaysia. The victim, the specimen that is used by the government to test their experiment on education.
I lost my 'energy' to fight. Ya right. Currently feeling really down and i dont know the purpose to study hard. For what? To serve the people? BULLSHIT. Why? Because most of them are MXXXXXXX. I hate serving them. They only create enough problems to me. Stay back!
Next year, next semester. Older and older. More cells are dying. Less cells will be produced. The final thing to come? Death. Life is short. That's why we dont need to work so hard. Or. Life is short. That's why we need to work hard to leave a good name in the Earth. Nevermind which one is it. We still need to continue our lives. Spending time on doing nothing is even worse right? At least, do something so that you can have some memories to be flashed back when you're old and almost be invited by the GOD of death. At least, you can think back of the sweat memories in your life on the bed that you lie on. At least, you have bad memories to help you to fight necrophobias and leave the Earth without fear.
What am I writing actually? I also dont know. JUNK. USELESS thing. I just typed down what is in my mind currently.
No one can really understand me. Even myself, I also dont know myself. Who am I? A female? A daughter? A friend? An enemy? A desperate person? A depressed person? A student? A piece of rubbish? A person who wasted the source of Earth? A person who polluted the Earth? An ungrateful person? A happy-go-lucky person? Selfish? Disobedient?
Anything? But one thing I'm sure. I'm old. Time has slowly left his sign on everyone's skin. The wrinkles.
For some people who are so optimistic out there. Go explore and try everything out there so that you dont regret.
For some people who are so pesimistic out there. Stay moderate and live a normal, stable (boring) lifestyle.
2 ways to be chosen. Which one should I follow?
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everytime read your blog can feel something~ just like when gas leaking you can smell the gas. What's wrong with you? Maybe you really need to express a lot~ If not, you will going to explode! that time, maybe more people going to hurt, your friends, your family, people around you that care bout you. Hope after you express yourselve, you can find a balancing point for your focusing. don't run off much from what you are aiming from the starting till now. now trying to give yourselves some rubbish reason just to stop yourselves from moving forward. Tst that i know since last time is a brave, hardworking, not easy give up... but i know you actually suffer a lot from your own stress. maybe your family didn't say a lot but it's mean a lot for you. because you are doing well in understanding people, think for people, think in people position. It's time to think for yourselves, think in your own way, understand yourselves, try to listen to your heart, to your wish and let's see what you actually looking for. if you are stepping on the right way, continue with your journey. if you are not, then look around, see whether do you confidence enough to try with that way, don't let those imagination scared! Believe what can you see now, just go further if you feel is comfortable. your destination is just in front no matter which way you are using. Listen to your wish!
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