Time passes by really fast without our notice

so fast right? I enter ukm for almost 4months and the first semester is almost end. Exam will be started really soon on 3rd November. The bad news, I'm not really fully prepare for it. I hate myself when I started to lazy and relax when exam is near. Lack of self-discipline. But yet, I'm human also. Every human is lazy except he has something to push him, to motivate him. That's why, now I'm considering myself as resting and not relaxing or lazy. Ha. Bad girl huh?

Suddenly I feel that I'm getting old. Yes, older and lack of energy. I feel tired after 20years living in Malaysia. No more passion. I've lost my passion in whatever I do. Bad thing. Since Malaysia is always so terribly unfair, thus it makes me feel like there is no use, no need to strieve so hard for living because in Malaysia, they will not appreciate what you have done. Then what for i work so hard? To earn more money, have luxury life and pay more taxes for Malaysia to be spent on useless projects, unfair treatment etc etc? No way, then I rather have a moderate life.

Today I've read something about the BTN. Brief reading only. I realized that the 'brainwashing' talk in BTN is not helpful in unity of the nation. It's only making things worst. For malays, they may feel like they really sacrifice and thus the education system now is right and fair. For non-bumis, they may feel like they are 'pendatang' even more. They may feel like BTN is a strategy to remind them that they are actually really lucky and thus should not ask for more and should respect the malays for being so generous. OK, this is just my two cents. NO worth at all.

Never realize, I'm old. Compare to other people in the university. Yes I'm. I'm a product of failure of the education system of Malaysia. The victim, the specimen that is used by the government to test their experiment on education.

I lost my 'energy' to fight. Ya right. Currently feeling really down and i dont know the purpose to study hard. For what? To serve the people? BULLSHIT. Why? Because most of them are MXXXXXXX. I hate serving them. They only create enough problems to me. Stay back!

Next year, next semester. Older and older. More cells are dying. Less cells will be produced. The final thing to come? Death. Life is short. That's why we dont need to work so hard. Or. Life is short. That's why we need to work hard to leave a good name in the Earth. Nevermind which one is it. We still need to continue our lives. Spending time on doing nothing is even worse right? At least, do something so that you can have some memories to be flashed back when you're old and almost be invited by the GOD of death. At least, you can think back of the sweat memories in your life on the bed that you lie on. At least, you have bad memories to help you to fight necrophobias and leave the Earth without fear.

What am I writing actually? I also dont know. JUNK. USELESS thing. I just typed down what is in my mind currently.

No one can really understand me. Even myself, I also dont know myself. Who am I? A female? A daughter? A friend? An enemy? A desperate person? A depressed person? A student? A piece of rubbish? A person who wasted the source of Earth? A person who polluted the Earth? An ungrateful person? A happy-go-lucky person? Selfish? Disobedient?
Anything? But one thing I'm sure. I'm old. Time has slowly left his sign on everyone's skin. The wrinkles.

For some people who are so optimistic out there. Go explore and try everything out there so that you dont regret.
For some people who are so pesimistic out there. Stay moderate and live a normal, stable (boring) lifestyle.
2 ways to be chosen. Which one should I follow?

what a torturing life for me now

i believe that most of my friends in form 6 are facing a huge problem, including me. We all are suffering and not enjoying our university lives. Maybe because we have not get used to it yet. Yes, I believe that most of us aim to get into dean list in whatever courses we are taking now. We study hard to achieve it. But unfortunately, most of us fail to achieve good grade and we are sad because we think that we have tried our best, but still can get good marks. Then, we started to lost. We dont know what to do. We dont know how to study. Because last time in form6, the key to get good results is to study really hard. But this time is totally different. University. Not a secondary school anymore. We are new and not familiar with it. We are lost. We feel sad because after all the hard work, we cant get good grade. Why? I keep on asking myself WHY WHY WHY. Is it because my way of study is wrong? Or I didnt study hard enough? (I disagree because now I'm studying harder compare to form6) Or I give myself too much of stress that causes me unable to focus and think during examinations? What is/are the reason(s)? We dont know and we are lost and confuse. We are having hard time now.

I hope we can 'calm down' as soon as possible and start to get on track. Maybe we just need some time to adjust ourselves to face the new environment. Well, all the best for my friends and me. Exam is near. Really near. I hope this time we can get better result. I will not say 'good luck'. I want to say "study hard and study now! Dont waste time anymore!"